First Impressions with Melissa Jeglinski: June
June's First Impressions selection is now up. As always I've marked my notes/edits in red and ask that you feel free to comment with your constructive critiques. Submission instructions are posted below should you care to have your first page reviewed.
By Julie Anne
“Another shocking death amps suspicions of something sinister in the city.” (Good opening although it's not quite as pithy as a newscast might sound.)
The eleven o’clock news brought Ava Draikar stumbling from her closet. (Can't help but wonder why she was in her closet? Could be an interesting avenue to explore later on but if you don't then I don't see the point.) Comfortable in her pajamas, she stared at the tiny television on her kitchen counter. Here we go again. Reporters will be all over the hospital tomorrow. Ava increased the volume
, only slightly , for to better hear the details. (Because the tv was loud enough before to bring her out of the closet.)
Sipping wine from a large stemmed glass, she nearly choked. (Did she have the wine with her in the closet? Where did it come from?)
There, on the television screen, was a photo of the latest victim. And Ava knew him.
A photograph of the latest victim was lodged securely in the left corner of the broadcast. Ava knew him. (Rather confusing the way orginally written.) Sort of. She saw She'd seen him every day for the past week and had toiled uselessly with lustful fantasies wherein with him playing he played the leading role. The man was gorgeous, but Ava was prone to neither, lust nor fantasy. (Which is it? She had lustful fantasies or she's isn't prone to lust and fantasy? Or maybe it's just not worded the way you mean.)
The city was fascinating from her window. Even in darkness, and despite the rain that streaked her view, nothing ever seemed to remove the city’s
vast complexity, or its irrefutable draw. Separating herself from it would be like removing her own skin. If she could survive the process, she’d never be the same. (A bit overwritten here.) To Ava, the entire metropolis was alive, and she was a part of it. The city was one enormous, pulsating , entity , and it was that image that kept her at her window most nights. (The change in direction between this paragraph and the previous one is quite confusing.)
The story has a good opening and I was hoping to get more from the first page. The sudden change from Ava watching TV to looking out the window and waxing poetic about the city left me very confused. I really suggest staying with the topic initially brought up which is that of the latest victim.
There are a lot of extraneous commas thoughout.
I felt there were some interesting directions this story could go but the writer needs to continue with a thought rather than allude to it and move on. Answer the questions that are being brought up while they are still fresh in the reader's mind rather than having to explain them again later.
To enter First Impressions, email your first page (300 words or less) to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net with “First Impressions” in the subject line. Include the title and genre in the email, as well as the name you wish us to use when referring to you publicly. All genres are welcome. Do not send your entry as an attachment; it must be within the body of the email. Winners are randomly selected using http://www.random.org/.
**Disclaimers, Rules, Stipulations, What Not, and All That Jazz: By emailing your entry to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net, you agree to have your first page posted on our blog for critique. Entrants will remain in the selection queue indefinitely, so your number could come up tomorrow or two years from now. Such is life. We will drop you a line if your email is pulled out of the hat. Maybe. It’s best to just swing by our blog often and check things out, no? Winning a first page critique does not in any way indicate an interest or offer of representation by The Knight Agency, and we reserve the right to delete any material that we find improper or offensive. Though we encourage blog readers to offer positive, thoughtful feedback, we cannot control their opinions with Imperius Curses. However, we will promptly banish nasty, mean-spirited comments to the outer limits of cyberspace. Dontcha wish you could do that with people in real life? Addendum (11/03/2010): In order to give everyone a fair chance, only one entry is allowed per person. If you've submitted more than one first page, your initial email will be added to the queue; however, subsequent emails have been deleted